10.04.2005

Annoyances of the Month

A few things have been getting under my assless chaps lately...


-Ribbons, bracelets, and armbands for your cause.

I'm really, really sick of them. When it was just a red ribbon for AIDS, that was okay, but now, everyone wants their own horrible fashion accessory to tell people they pretend to care about some flavour-of-the-month worthy cause. So many, in fact, that they ran out of ribbon colours, and have now gone to horriffic 80's teenage girly plastic writbands and shit. Forget the fact that they've become so over-used as to be meaningless, it just seems so backhanded. "I care, but only as much as I can accessorize."

You know that none of these people truly care about much more than looking like they support the latest trendy disease or other tragedy, because they only ever wear one at a time. If it's not a fashion accessory, put your ribbons where your mouth is, and wear them all, equal opportunity for all the poor fuckers you claim to empathize with. I know you'd probably look like a cross between Liberace and Punky Brewster, but hey, do you give a shit or don't you?

-Checkout Charities

I don't mean to pick on potential worthy causes here, but the next time I buy something in a supermarket or hardware store, and the clerk asks if I'd like to "Donate 2 dollars to help the Randomly Named Children's Charity", I'll just walk out the fucking door without paying for anything or saying a word.

This is dirty fucking pool these cats are playing. First, it's always a children's charity, and often, one that sounds almost definitely made-up. Secondly, they ask you while you're standing in line with four other people waiting behind you to hear what a cheap and heartless bastard you are for saying "Not today, thanks," when the truth is, that I take charitable donations seriously. I don't put my change in those little boxes (except the ones where you make the penny spin in concentric circles as it heads for the bottom. Those are fun.) and I don't give money to door to door solicitors. I don't trust people enough to be confident that my donation will make it anywhere but to pay admin fees and buy office supplies that some volunteer will just steal anyhow.

Maybe I'm a paranoid asshole, or maybe your charity is a semi crock of shit. Either way, what does your name tag say? Betty? Well, either way, Betty, your job is not to play Sally Struthers, but to bag my fucking groceries.

-The Drive-Thru Switcharoo

Has anyone else experienced this shift yet? (Yeah, that's not a typo, I said shift, don't worry, profanity is coming)

For the longest time, when pulling up to the drive thru window, you would hear, "Can I take your order please?" before you even had a chance to realize which grease pit you just pulled into. Then you have to say, "One minute please," and make a snap decision so as to not keep Skippy the pre-teen order taking Nazi waiting impatiently.

I've become so conditioned over the years, that I now decide what I want before I get there, so I can order without even looking at the menu, and not have to have the pimply sneer of contempt coming from Skippy's little braced face when I get to window number one. A side effect of this conditioning, is that it's made me hold people in contempt for actually looking at the menu board before ordering, especially when they're holding things up in front of me. "If you want to take your time, go inside the fucking restaurant and stand against the wall like the barnacle on life that you are. The drive thru is meant for speed, not your liesure, cocksucker!!" It's terrible, but it's what they've done to me.

Recently, I was at a drive thru in BC, and upon pulling in, the kid says, "Good afternoon and welcome to the Greasy Meat Shack, would you like a minute to look over the menu board before you order?"

I scowled at the little two way speaker. What? Fuck no, I know how to use a drive thru, what the hell? I was actually upset that he was letting me to take my time! How crazy is that? Five years ago, this would've seemed a welcome greeting, but now I'm insulted by his assuption that I'm not a decisive person.

Please, for the sake of my sanity, fast food folk, please be consistent.

-Celebrity Auctions for Disaster Relief.

Jay Leno auctioned one of his motorcycles and raised half a million bucks for Hurricane Kat victims. That's nice... at least, it sounds nice, looks good from a PR standpoint.

I hate to be cynical about this (okay, maybe that's not entirely true), after all, it is still helping people, and it's more money than I've donated, but come on. If you really think about it, that bike was probably to Leno the way a piece of toilet paper is to you or I. I'm sorry if I can't feel like Mr. Leno (and I only single him out because he was on the news this morning, other celebs have donated used underpants and doorstops and stuff to auctions too) has really sacrificed anything here. So many celebrities make in the tens of millions of dollars per project, yet you rarely hear of them handing that kind of dough back to help out those who made them the meritless rich they've become. Instead, they throw away a bauble, and let some poor fucks who love them in a severe and unhealthy way fight over it, and foot the bill. And they only really seem to do so (or you only really hear about it) in the face of a really major tragedy. There's so much money in America wrapped up in the bank accounts of people who don't really deserve it, celebrities, sports figures, musicians and the like, and so little of it will ever be used to help out the poor fuckers who made these cocksuckers rich one ticket at a time, at a time when they really need more than a hug from fucking Oprah. It just makes me really sick.

-Gas Prices

Yeah, it sucks that they're getting higher and all that, but that's not my problem. After all, we all know that the fossil fuel industry never misses an excuse to pull in more money. What really gets to me is how insane people are becoming as a result.

I've come within a cunt-hair of being in two accidents this week, that were because of lineups at gas stations offering a THREE CENT difference on their gas. What the fuck is wrong with you people? You're willing to hold up traffic to save THREE CENTS per litre of gas.

My car holds 45 litres, and the average price now is a dollar, so that's 45 bucks to fill from empty, which you shouldn't do, you should fill from three-quarters minimum, so that's actually $33.75 if my math skills aren't totally shot.

So let's say I see gas for a gate-crashin 97 cents, and decide I need to risk life and limb, and waste half an hour waiting to get to a pump to take advantage.

Total spent on gas with discount: $32.74, for a total savings of... wait for it....

ONE DOLLAR, AND ONE CENT. I wouldn't even give myself a handjob for that kind of money, what the fuck are you getting so excited about?

And guess what, dumbass, you just spent that buck idling and waiting for the jackass with the hummer and RV to suck as much fuel as he could out of the place.

I guess you could always put that dollar toward a useless charity, or an ineffectual fashion statement.

-God knows it won't buy you any extra brain cells, shithead.

5 Smart-ass Remarks

At 11:06 PM, Blogger ben said...

You rule...but then you already know that don't you!?

 
At 10:39 AM, Blogger valkyrieshoes said...

hahahaaaa! you are my hero.

 
At 8:42 AM, Blogger The Moomin said...

You rawk!

 
At 3:34 PM, Blogger mercurius said...

This was a long entry, s.i.c. as I see the annoyances mount and you're so good at keeping us "a-breast" of other inanities of the universe. The charity-mongering gets to me too for I've not alighted into my rainbow body or enlightenment as yet. Don't you know it!

Adela

 
At 4:08 PM, Blogger LMC said...

I'm a cashier and i hate it when the store asks us to push a charity. I wont do it! If the customer wants to give there money to the charity, they will do it with out me asking!

 

Post a Comment

<< Home